when you lose something special

hi all on the web! its 3.48 and i feel like i had a close call with death. i feel weak is what im trying to get at. hopefully some of you can related to what i went through or just be inspired.
so it was almost 1pm and cause our car was leaking juice or some dirt we left it in the workshop. we needed to grab lunch so we called for an uber. it came and when we reached the mall, the fare was 3 bucks someone drew out two bucks and i had one buck in my right hand and offered it to the front. in the midst of things someone grabbed the money sticking out of my wallet and just gave it to the driver. a long with that money, my precious 2 ringgit (God, this is really painful to write) went to the driver he even exclaimed how happy he was to see a rare purple dollar.
now a little back story: when i was in primary 3 like 9 years old my best friend Phoebe at that time showed me her purple bill and i was so impressed We challenged each other to see who will one day have more purple bills than the other. i got my dad as my partner and he was really cool cause he came across so many and he would just give them to me. i ended up collecting more with more than a dozen of those things. i remember once in secondary school because i lost touch with Phoebe i thought it would be okay to spend it i spent like 10 of those bills on nice things but i kept 2 for my self and promised to never spend it. even when i changed wallets and purses keep it away just for looking. and today i lost it. i just lost it. i have had it for a decade and i just lost it(kill me now).
i just came out of the uber crying and sobbing over the lost of my bill and over the fact that i was so stupid and cowardly that i couldnt ask for something so special back. i keep replaying the scene in my mind, when the driver asked me for it, he specifically said he wanted the purple 2 dollar. I COULD HAVE SAID NO. WHY DIDNT I SAY NO?! WHY DID MY MAKE MYSELF MISERABLE ON PURPOSE?! it meant so much!!
i was so upset, i threw up, i cried, i became a corpse.
i couldnt eat but my family had to so ended up taking a taxi home myself.
in the taxi i was clearly upset so i hadnt planned on engaging in conversation with the chinese uncle driver. he could tell i was upset so he spoke really gently to me, asking my address and directions really patiently. when we reached my house he asked if i was okay and i explained what happend. he told me he collected them too but he was willing to sell me one of his. i took it!
obviously it was not the same dollar and i will forever hate the uber driver for being so picky about a young chinese girl's money that was mine. then again maybe he's in the millitary or has cancer or is going through something so if i made him happy with a bill that meant so much to me i guess i just need a while to recover.
i guess it was a miracle that i meet a nice chinese uncle driver in the drive home.
i came home, grived and choked a bit.
being me its really hard to have a bit of space to grieve. when the rest came back i was attacked with lectures and the like when clearly i wanted to be left alone even for just a bit. i was told that one day who-and-who might die and i'd have to get over it and that will be harder to get other than the purple bill. that the bill was something insignificant and to get over it. now i was threatened or frightened a lot as a kid with the whole 'you know one day who-and-who will die speech'. it gave me a lot of trauma that i overcame by myself. so now i just shut it out. it took a while but you realise that there is a possibility of you dying before them. sorry about all this talk of dying but you can guess the mood im in. im so dehydrated but i cant even carry myself get a drink.
i guess you cant expect anyone to talk to you gently like the stranger driver. even in sadness, people arent obliged to speak not harshly to you.
im sure i will cross paths with more 2 dollar bills one day. but for now i want to forget everthing that happened. forget my cowardice. forget my hatred. forget my shame. goodbye world.