how do i express myself

i can boldly say that i have never experienced heartache like i did yesterday. i'm getting over it in my own time but it's going to be a while. last night i had a rough night. i couldnt sleep, couldnt breathe. i felt so much hurt and physical pain in my chest. i didnt know how to let it out. i would smash something if i could but i dont do that sort of thing. i desperately wanted to scream but where could i do that without getting yelled at or judged. i wanted to cry but i was way to dehydrated to cry. it even hurt to drink. im not being over melodramatic or something. i tried doing other things: a crossword, some biology and i would immerse myself with that till i felt calm but when i tried to sleep i felt so much pain again. why? why did it have to happen to me?! why not some snotty kid who nobody likes? i cried plenty by myself yesterday. thing about growing up is that there are fewer people around you when you cry.
im already working on preventing future pain. i wont be carrying a wallet around me anymore. i have put what little things i have in a food container. its not ideal but until i figure out how to carry cash and card around me without an actual wallet. even looking at it to empty it out was too traumatizing for me. i need some hypnosis or something. im feeling nothing now but what if the hurt comes back this night. i make myself feel great by knowing that people always want what i have. it's true. why did i get mugged? CAUSE PEOPLE FUCKING WANTED WHAT I ALREADY HAVE. THE WORLD IS ENVIOUS OF ME.
lets end this neither on a sad nor upbeat note.
i want to dye my hair. this time im thinking of a fierce colour like red. i want a new bicycle. the world is ending. can someone get me a shuriken? does jiinora marry kai in legend of korra? i need a phone.
sorry guys if im not giving you the best stories to read up. give me some time. i need to heal for a bit. hopefully get back my aegyo character. i cant even remember my personality before yesterday. is this what kim kardashian felt like in paris?

i dont want to feel the pain
send me back in time
when i didnt need to write this rhyme 
in attempt to escape the thunder clouds that rain.

it hurts like a sword my chest
unable to rest
knowing i lost something special
a thing i cared for best

when i leave this world forever
will i be released
from the clutches of regret and hatred for myself
that i cannot tame, cannot cease

people say seize the day 
i agreed when i used to be able to play 
before i went through what some call 'life'
really cant endure any more strife

life is hard 
i always knew
have mercy 
take me home