my dealing with nightmares as an adult

hey you guys! its about 2am now and i actually went to bed at 11.20pm trying to go to bed. this whole week i had a mission and that was to sleep at 11 and wake at 8. it was working just fine. i guess until tonight. i know the worst time to think is at night but look at me right now, a busy clockwork with all gears well oiled that i dont think i will sleep till way later. part of why my post is this late at night is because i know writing is the thing that calms me down like a teddy to infants. gasp... there's noises outside. okay, calm down it's just the office buildings across our house. phew. i thought there was going to be a break in. a little unhinged, a little on edge, a bundle of nerves. a ''perfect'' state to be writing.
i was tired, my eyes were about to shut but when i closed my eyes i saw zombies who wanted a me with scoliosis. and i had just done my exercises earlier.
wait before i start this, i want to thank all my readers who read my posts with good intentions. thanks for your support. now i know there are some of you i may know due to unfortunately having the same religion as you only read to comment venomous word due to your envy of my good life. jokes on you all comments have to be approved by me before appearing. and i havent checked since early last year. point is, if youre not nice, im asking again that you dont even try to disturb me. leave me to my own business. i know its difficult to ignore me because i am so adorable so only love and nice things or get as far away from me as possible because i happen to be acquainted to kim jong un.
so i prayed and the zombies went away. but more evil thoughts were coming. i thought of all the times i was called annoying from primary to secondary school. i thought of all the times i was shy and was teased. it was a cycle you know, an evil thought comes, i pray it away, then another one comes. this hasnt happened in awhile. i have no idea why this is happening tonight of all nights. like what happened?!
i tried to breathe slowly, anything to slow my heart rate because i could hear my blood though my skin. i thought of the video i was watching before bed, The Return of Superman. it's a korean reality tv show where all the celebrity families hang out and the kids have fun. then i thought of myself. i realized that when i was at those kids' ages, like 4 years, i too was legitimately that happy and i always had fun playing with my fam. so i was happy, what happened then?! then it hit me. now that im older, i actually for some reason pay attention to people who dont matter. why do i waste time thinking about what people did to me or what people said to me when they dont really matter? why do i worry so much? these people arent relatives, they arent even friends, i have the choice to never see them again why do i let them waste my time and my energy. im young so time doesnt have much of a meaning to me. but i know that if i keep wasting time on people who i dont even know about, ill regret all the time i have wasted and i hate regretting things. there's no way back.
i know what matters to me. the people who have loved me all my life. family makes me happy i realised. even happier than when im writing something. they know me and love me for me and they stand by me no matter what. i should be thinking how blessed i am to have that. i am very loved. know that. and like in harry potter and voldermort, i believe that love will protect me from any evil of the world. i really shocked myself when i relised how loved i am and that its the only thing that matters to me. i was so affected how in school, even now there are people who are nasty just because their dad actually owns the school. think about it though, my school fees is actually what goes into your fake leather wallet.
im going to end happy. i have always been so filled with loved but growing up has blinded me. i sometimes with that a grim reaper would come and hypnotize me to forget everything in the world that has hurt me but that wont happen so its up to me. if you are someone i know from school, church or you were that annoying car blocking the drive thru, i forgive you and i choose to forget any hurt that you may have inflicted on me. i have hurt long enough, i choose to stop wasting precious time now and the ugliness has been removed.
if you need a mantra to calm you down or something, read this:
I AM VERY LOVED
I AM VERY LIKED
MY LIFE IS AMAZING
LIFE'S TOO SHORT TO BE BITTER
AND THE NASTY WORDS ARE NOT TRUE
THE PAST IS THE PAST
LOVE WILL PROTECT ME FROM HARM
THINK ONLY OF PEOPLE WHO MATTER
FAMILY WILL ALWAYS LOVE ME
ALWAYS FOR WHO I AM.
BE NO ONE ELSE BUT YOURSELF YA HEAR!
i think this will make me as happy as those 4 year olds on youtube. its late and my pulse is normal, a funny video before bed? yes! see ya lovelies and know that nothing else matters but yourself and those people you call fam!